Call Me Erma: A Potty Training Tale

For those of you who aren't familiar with old-school pop culture or do not have a mother who thought sarcastic domestic humor was hilarious in the 80's, then you may not be familiar with Erma Bombeck. But Erma was a mom of many, I forget the exact number, a homemaker and a humorist. All of her books were sarcastic and made fun of those moments in motherhood or wifedom where you either laugh or cry or call yourself fat and then laugh or cry.

I am in the throes of potty training my 2.5 year old. It's times like these that you understand the desire to have not one, but four nannies. Or a boarding school for potty training. Just a week wouldn't hurt, would it? So, it's day four and I finally tried a new strategy after three solid days of a 50/50 record. I couldn't find any rhyme or reason to her hits and misses and was using a lot of bribery. I'm not against it. Rewards still work in the adult world.

So today, I decided to tell my daughter that if she had dry pants all day, no pee-pee and no poo-poo in her underwear, no accidents (I tried to express it in any way I knew how to make sure it stuck, I would've spoke French if I thought it would help), that I would take her to an "ice cream restaurant" (Friendly's) for dinner. She has never been to Friendly's. I have been once; my now-husband and I stopped there while on a roadtrip through Connecticut. Following that stop, I vomitted on the side of the road until bile came out. Oh, the good ol' days. But this was a reward for my daughter, not me. And I thought the concept of an ice cream restaurant would be like reaching her Nirvana.

So that was the challenge of which I reminded her throughout the day. Ad nauseum. Even I was sick of hearing it. But it worked. Four pees and one poo, all on the potty. Dry underwear the whole day. One nap pull-up with pee, but that doesn't count. Then she "woke up" from playing in her room for two hours and her first words were "ice cream restnaut." We changed into underwear and waited for Dad to get home. Constantly, I asked her if she needed to go, for fear of her blowing the challenge right before we were to leave - she would be devastated. When she said she didn't need to go, I decided to trust her. We're off for our reward!

As soon as we get into Friendly's, I noticed the temperature being warm. Maybe it was the small dining room which is a stone's throw from the fryers and grills and ovens and boiling pots of goo. Or maybe it was inadequate air conditioning. Or maybe it was my elevated pregnant body temperature. Either way, it was hot. Why am I breaking a sweat in an ice cream restaurant?

I immediately had to go to the bathroom, at this crowded restaurant full of bad food and children of all ages. So I left dad and daughter at the table. I walk into the one-stall bathroom and was greeted with a bowl full of pee, poop and toilet paper. Just what I need in my life, to clean up after someone else's child. Flush.

Then I go back to our table. I forget why my child screamed at the top of her lungs. There was some unjustified reason. Off to the bathroom we go for a discussion and spanking threat. Problem solved. We sit back down, order our food. And I remind her to tell me if she needs to go pee or poo. A few minutes later, I see her reaching down and feeling the front of her underwear. I let my fingers do the walking, as well, to find... wetness. The booster seat is officially filled with urine. Thankfully, I came prepared with dishtowels, extra clothes, pull-ups, and disinfectant wipes. Off comes my child and in goes the towels and now we're going back to the bathroom. She is crying hysterically because she peed in her pants. We're in the stinky single-stall again. She's crying, not wanting to take off her underwear. I'm about to cry because half of my right leg is soaked with pee run-off. We get her cleaned up and in a pull-up. She's crying, telling me she got distracted (that was my excuse that I offered to her... she's bright but not bright enough to say, "I was distracted, mom" at two).

So we go back and eat our lackluster dinner. I'm nauseous from heat and my sub-par burger (the high point was ketchup), so I pass on ice cream, while I watch my daughter eat a hot fudge sundae, touching the chocolatey spoon to my right arm and shirt every time she moves. I try my husband's sundae that, in theory, sounds delicious, but in reality is a runny mess of sugary gruel.

By this time, I'm sweating through my shirt. Perhaps a drink refill would've helped. Can we leave please?

There is redemption. When we came home, she sat on the potty and peed. So we're 5:1 today with the one accident being in a truly distracting restaurant. It is progress but I'm nauseous, exhausted, and will never return to Friendly's unless I one day fall prey to the decision of my child's sports team following a game. Next time, we'll go to Ben and Jerry's.

"If life is like a bowl of cherries, this must be the pits." - Erma Bombeck

Freedom of Jihad

When you're pregnant, one of the beauties of it is that you have vivid dreams that for me, at least, lead to deep sleep. For me, the dreams are all usually positive. For the past few days, I've been praying for that kind of sleep because I have been tossing and turning all night with thoughts of the mosque that is planned near Ground Zero. Not the structure itself but the ideology within it's walls as professed by Imam Rauf and what it means to not just be built at Ground Zero (although highly and obviously significant) but what it means to be built within our boarders.

Do we, as people, understand what it means that Imam Rauf advocates the acceptance and eventual cultural observance of Shariah law in this country? Shariah law calls for the blatent oppression and abuse of women and girls. Shariah law calls for midevil punishment for moral offenses under Islamic law. Women can't get divorced. Women can't be seen in the company of non-related males. Have you seen a woman in a theme park on a summer day covered in a black burqua with hardly an eye showing? Shariah law calls for Shariah compliance. Shariah calls for deception in order to further the cause of Islam. And persecution and cruel punishment for not following it. Oh, and the destruction of Israel and conversion by sword for non-believers. And honor killings for those who leave the faith. Ask the African countries who've experienced genocide at the hand of Shariah-following and Shariah-imposing Muslims. Ask the girl on the cover of liberal Time Magazine that is missing her nose and ears at the hands of this Islamic law.

This is the belief system of the man who is behind and will be the leader of the Ground Zero Mosque. He does not denounce Jihad. He calls America an equal accomplice in the 9/11 attacks. He will not call Hamas a terrorist organization. This is the ideology of the mosque. This is not what is being built but what is being preached, spread, spewed. But we should believe he is "moderate" because he tells us, in other sentences, that he is. No one's ever lied to further their agenda or manipulated people with words, right? So it must be true... But how can you attest that embracing a strategy to impose Shariah compliance is moderate? That is the definition of "not moderate." Scary not moderate.

Not all who call themselves Muslim hold these beliefs. I know that. But some do. He does. And while it is extreme I do not believe it to be as obscure a ideology as many want you to believe but it's become too taboo to challenge Islam. Terrorist attacks were not Islamic attacks... except for the fact all the attackers basically yelled "praise Allah" in arabic and made it very obvious that their actions were done in the name of Islam. Not all muslims are terrorists, but all the recent terrorists are Muslim and it's done in the name of Islam. Why can't we embrace this truth? Why are we so fearful if the religion is so peaceful. Because a Danish cartoonist has been killed for depicting Mohammed. Because a Dutch filmmaker had his throat slit for a documentary on the mistreatment of women.

What is more disturbing is the call for "religious freedom" in regards to this mosque. My issue is not the location of this mosque - although it's outrageous. It is an obvious statement of triumph and a slap in the face that should be appalling and alarming to all Americans, regardless of creed (unless, of course, you support its agenda). But I am more disturbed by how this is an anti-American ideology exploiting the very freedoms it hopes to dominate and destroy. And we are supposed to embrace, encourage and further it all. And at least a third of us are.

More disturbing still is that some Christians, or some who call themselves Christians - hard to tell who's who and who believes what anymore - are calling on Christians to support the building of the mosque under the guise of religous freedom. Some of the things being espoused: "Jesus said to love your neighbor," "bless those who persecute you," "we value religious freedom in America." Excuse me? Have you read the Bible? All of the aforementioned is true but let's get a little context.

At no point in scripture will you find Jesus advocating for an evil agenda or offering support for those that do. At no point in the entire Bible will you find God, whether speaking through Old Testament Biblical heros, prophets, or Christ himself, uring people to not speak out against evil. God told Jonah to go preach in Ninevah to warn the people of their wickedness. God speaks out and acts against evil historically and God has never changed and cannot change, the God of Abraham and Moses is still the God of the univers. "Loving the sinner" does not mean promoting his/her agenda. When Christ met with the prostitute, he approached her though she was "unclean," showed her love and told her to go and sin no more. He showed her love and treated her with dignity and respect but he did not advocate the act of prostitution. He didn't rally behind her without acknowledging the evil and requiring correction.

To support the construction of this mosque or any mosque which espouses the views that this Imam holds, is supporting abusive oppression, murder, the destruction of Israel, conversion by sword for non-believers. We are not called to to advocate for these things; in fact, we are called to speak out against evil.

Still, we are also called to bless those who persecute us and love our neighbors. But again, to use a trite "Christianese" phrase, "loving the sinner" never is to be translated into advocating the sin, whatever that sin is - whether in our own lives or in the lives of others. How then do we bless and love? Be a friend to your muslim neighbor. Pray tirelessly that those blinded by Islam will be freed in Christ. Don't hate the people but do speak out against evil. That's what Jesus did, just as his Father called him to do.

Friends, don't be blinded by the deception of a world turned upside-down.

(photo by Jodi Bieber/INSTITUTE for TIME)